The thing I've found most interesting is how things flow in waves. Sometimes I have this sense of peace about him being gone. Sometimes I'm so reminded about how we both stuggled for so long to get life together- and get ourlseves together again. Back in October I had a miscarriage. Dave and I have been actively trying to have a baby and with living at a distance it's made parts of this new adventure harder. IT was really hard on Justin too- knowing that it was supposed to have been US together having a baby. I was supposed to marry him and we were going to have a family, but it was his drinking and drugs, his addictions that took us away from that life.
For some reason, last night I just had his wonderful feeling about how we WILL get pregnat this month. Maybe it's silly, but I feel like Justin is now some part of me that I can't physically see. There is a quote that I love for when times are very hard, to remind myself, "I love you. I will always love you. I will never leave you." Just a reminder that while I have no control over the life around me, I do have the option to control the love and respect that I give to myself. I wrote those words down by my computer at work and ended it with "Always." While the words have been fitting at times for a variety of reasons, this time it really is always. I just kind of feel like he's with me and hes going to help take care of me the ways he couldn't while he was alive.
It was intresting to see how my faith has changed. Knowing how I've always grown up, attending church but how as I've gotten older, the church didn't have the same fit that it use to have. I don't feel any connection to things I have in the past- and honestly the lack of faith has really been obvious now that Justin is gone because it's pretty obvious that I question why, even with all the prayers Justin said, he couldn't break away from his drinking. He questioned the same thing- telling me so many times that he felt like he was doing all the things he was supposed to be doing- but still didn't feel any closer to changing his relationship with alcohol. I will say, his drinking has long since changed my relationship with drinking. Basically, I don't now. You can't live though watching someone have an alcoholic spiral and still be able to drink like it's not big deal. At least I'm lucky enough to not suffer from these addictions.
I've just felt this deep need to write and get these ideas out of my head. I've been writing letters to Justin too. Just letting him know how I'm handling things as they come. I need some comfort from him. I think he can hear it.
Last night I also found the CD of the song he wrote for me. Something I've honestly never appreciated. I'm not sure I do yet.