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Dec. 31st, 2012


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Created by: fade_out @ amor_fatii

Feb. 8th, 2016


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The thing I've found most interesting is how things flow in waves.  Sometimes I have this sense of peace about him being gone.  Sometimes I'm so reminded about how we both stuggled for so long to get life together- and get ourlseves together again.  Back in October I had a miscarriage.  Dave and I have been actively trying to have a baby and with living at a distance it's made parts of this new adventure harder.  IT was really hard on Justin too- knowing that it was supposed to have been US together having a baby.  I was supposed to marry him and we were going to have a family, but it was his drinking and drugs, his addictions that took us away from that life.

For some reason, last night I just had his wonderful feeling about how we WILL get pregnat this month.  Maybe it's silly, but I feel like Justin is now some part of me that I can't physically see.  There is a quote that I love for when times are very hard, to remind myself, "I love you.  I will always love you.  I will never leave you."  Just a reminder that while I have no control over the life around me, I do have the option to control the love and respect that I give to myself.  I wrote those words down by my computer at work and ended it with "Always."  While the words have been fitting at times for a variety of reasons, this time it really is always.  I just kind of feel like he's with me and hes going to help take care of me the ways he couldn't while he was alive.

It was intresting to see how my faith has changed.  Knowing how I've always grown up, attending church but how as I've gotten older, the church didn't have the same fit that it use to have.  I don't feel any connection to things I have in the past- and honestly the lack of faith has really been obvious now that Justin is gone because it's pretty obvious that I question why, even with all the prayers Justin said, he couldn't break away from his drinking.  He questioned the same thing- telling me so many times that he felt like he was doing all the things he was supposed to be doing- but still didn't feel any closer to changing his relationship with alcohol.  I will say, his drinking has long since changed my relationship with drinking.  Basically, I don't now.  You can't live though watching someone have an alcoholic spiral and still be able to drink like it's not big deal.  At least I'm lucky enough to not suffer from these addictions.

I've just felt this deep need to write and get these ideas out of my head.  I've been writing letters to Justin too.  Just letting him know how I'm handling things as they come.  I need some comfort from him.  I think he can hear it.

Last night I also found the CD of the song he wrote for me.  Something I've honestly never appreciated.  I'm not sure I do yet.  

Oct. 23rd, 2010

Art Education Post

One Class Only Assignments

I've got what I hope is sort of an unusual situation at my school.  We have a 5th Grade- ALL BOYS class with boys from ages 10 - 13 years old.  It's the only single gender class at the school and it was created because the teacher, a preacher wanted to have the chance to be a good influnce on these boys with severe behavior issues.  There are constantly fights in the classsroom- and I'm talking about fights where people are punching each other in the head and body slamming each other.  They've had quite a few fights in Art as well- but it just comes with the situation with these boys.

So, despite all of their behavior problems I'm supposed to be able to teach them Art for 40 minutes a week.  Of course I spent most of that 40 minutes trying to get them to stay in their seats and keep the volume to an acceptable level.  We have been working for about 4 weeks on Self Portraits- and I have some students who have NOTHING on their paper, some who have ripped the paper up, thrown theirs away, refused to do anything, some who have drawn things NOT related to the assignment and only a few who have actually tried to get any work done.

Now we're 9 weeks into the school year and they have almost nothing to show for it.  I've done a lot of thinkng about this and how to handle this- reaching out to parents doesn't seem to help.  The parents know these kids have behavior problems and administration just wants me to get them to be productive- and that's a failing effort right now.  It's becoming hard to calucate class participation or grade anything- because they are doing so little!

So, now I'm considering switching gears and instead I'm going to try doing 1 class only assignments when them (like I often do with the Pre-K's and K's) so that we have proof that they either did it or they did't- they tried or they didn't bother.  We have some proof that daily they are doing something!  I'd love some opinions or ideas about how you think this would work.  This is my VERY first year teaching and I'm going through an alternative certification program- so I'm new to everything.

February 2016



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